I know I don't update often anymore, there is so much that is happening and yet not happening. I never know what to talk about. I get these random ideas, that never last more than 15 minutes, then when I do update I feel it's all just midnight ramblings about silly things.
Today is Thanksgiving, and I spent most of the day not even thinking about the family dinner I am missing, the meal we would be cooking together, all the people I would be seeing. Yes... I am a little sad right now that I am not home, but I was also reminded today when I did call, there really is no home to go home to. Maybe... it's less painful being here, knowing that I can't be with people even if I wanted to, than being at home and being frustrated with the fact that I am home but there is still... nothing.
Times like this I wonder, if I had stayed in america... I wonder what life would be like right now.
What job would I have? What would home be like? What path would my world have gone instead?
it's like a strange twilight zone, or alternate reality...where I think about the present that could have been. I don't regret my decision of being in Japan in the least, in fact it's the opposite, I am just so curious as to what my world would be like without Japan.
All the English teachers in Nara prefecture had a giant conference today. It was strange to see new and old faces once again. People who I consider friends, aquantances, and... those people who I know only their names and nothing else about them. The dynamics of all the foreigners put in one small place is very interesting, and I noticed how people divided into their cliques right away. It kind of made me sad because it made me realize just how few people I am actually friends with within all the English teachers here. Maybe it's the walls I build, the unwillingness to really connect with people, the fear of more rejection, or maybe I am just such a shut in no one really knows how to connect with me.
I spend so much of my time just in my apartment, alone, talking to people online. I should go out, I should mail people, I should try to make friends with more people... but there is just a part of me that doesn't really feel inclined. A part of me that feels like no one really likes me, that they are all annoyed by me, and none really wants to talk to me. I don't feel interesting, important, or special in any way so I don't bother trying to be. Maybe it's low confidence, which is odd because I am such a proud person.
It's sad and silly I know. I am not unhappy, just a bit lonely, and it is reenfored by the fact that I spent all day around people who should be my "friends" but I felt like no one really is. It's because I don't work hard enough to develop the friendships that already exist letting them wither and die like a forgotten plant. It's my own fault, I know, but either way it still hurts when that lonliness kids in. When I am in a giant crowd of people, and there isn't one person that I can just walk up to and start a friendly conversation. Something that doesn't feel... fake.
Lately I've been looking for the wrong answers, the wrong people, and not focusing on the things that are more important.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring a more positive outcome with friends who will make me feel the warmth and love of friendship. I really hope I can push myself to develop this with the other foreign English teachers in my prefecture. But if I can't, it's okay, I can still stand strong alone.
Weird long rant I know...
Happy Thanksgiving my lovelies.
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Time keeps slipping by so quickly in Japan. It's hard to believe I have been here already for a year and 2 months now. I feel like I am enjoying this year so much more. When I first came here I was so attached to my home, I felt so lonely, I wasn't sure I could make it through a whole year, let alone another one. now it's year two... now the question soon becomes, do I want to make it 3?
I have come to really love my job, I love my work here. I am enjoying my weekends, and making more and more friends. Sure I am lonely at times, and I miss my friends and family dearly. But I have come to create a life here. A good life. I am enjoying every day and the months are flying by so quickly. I feel like I am not seeing everything I want to see in just 2 years. I am loving the seasons, I am loving this world.
My question is what goals do I want to achieve while I am here? What can I accomplish in an extra year I cannot do within this year?
More importantly, what do I want to do after I go home and how will being here help me achieve that goal?
My goals, I want to be fluent in Japanese. I want to learn more and more about Japanese culture and history. I want to see more, but I don't want to feel rushed. I want to feel more independent when I go home.
When I go home? I am not quite sure yet. I want to write... with the pathetic writing skills that I have and recently have not nurished. I want to use Japanese and never lose this valuable skill I have developed. I want to do something calculated and scientific, structured and strong but gives me freedom. I know that is such a vague description. I guess the best way to describe it, I want to have something that has the same effect on others that teaching does, but I don't think I want to continue being a teacher. Well, not a junior high school and elementary school teacher. Maybe my job would be much easier done in my native language, and I think I care about my students and teaching more than some of the teachers I work with, but I feel I lack the proper skills to teach a langauge properly. Elementary is easy, but explaining grammar to Junior High students.... is extremely difficult.
Maybe I need more school? But I don't have time or money for more school. Plus I am enjoying this whole working and living my life deal. I am no longer stressed all the time and worried about school things.
I also with I could do something creative. Doing wood block printing has taught me just how much I love to just work on a project for hours, making something creative and beautiful... even if my skills are less than par. I love graphic design, I love it to death. But just because I love something doesn't mean I have any skills.
I still have time, I am still thinking. My path is so open and free now. Now it's time to create the skills and life I have been wanting all this time.
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| Date: | 2009-10-04 01:49 |
| Subject: | Harvest Moon |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  thankful |
This evening a bright golden moon shone in the sky. It's this year's harvest moon, promising good fortune and prosperity. More than any other moon, this one has brought me a little extra kick of luck and happiness. Honestly something much needed after these past few weeks.
The day has been so wonderful and relaxing, that I am quite sad it is coming to an end. First I had my wood block printing class. My teacher was very disapointed in my friend and I... because we didn't finish our projects and made many mistakes. Even so, I learned so much, and it just makes me happy that I get a chance too really try out wood carving. I am horrible at it, horrible. but that's okay. Because the main point is having fun.
Then I learned Mah Jong with my friends, it is such a complicated game, but my friend taught it in a way that makes complete sense now. Now I just need to learn strategy and I am ready to play! Playing reminded me of that one episode of XxXholic. In fact, this whole evening has been quite a XxXholic-filled evening. It makes me happy.
After learning Mah Jong I went to Uneme Matsuri. This is a festival held during the harvest full moon of the season. The festival is held for a woman who was a concubine of the emperior, I don't know the story well, but for some reason she didn't revieve the favor of the emperior and killed herself in that pond. The shrine near was apparently built after her death, but it does not face the pond because of the sadness it witnessed... or something. The reason for the festival is that apparently when a woman kills herself in revenge for a man, then that man is cursed and his family and all his decendents will be cursed forever. So this festival is to make her spirit happy.
At this festival I went to the shrine and I bought this charm for love. Not really knowing what ot expect. And then that very evening not even 2 hours afterbuying that charm, I get a phoen call from my friend I had an argument this previous week with. With him asking me to watch a movie. Very... od.
I want to tpy e more but i'm falling asleep.
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Today was my first day of my wood block printing class.
For the first time in a long time living here I feel like I am really doing something that is unique and special to my time here in Japan. I have lived here for one year already and I never signed up for any culture class, no language classes, nothing that really let me learn more about Japan. It's not like I didn't want to, I am just the type that doesn't think of these things and isquite lazy about doing it on my own. But one fo the new girls who moved here, she studied wood block printing (a different style) as part of her art major in university. So she really wanted to learn the Japanese style. Me being who I am was like "oo that sounds fun! i'll join!" even though I've never carved a thing before in my life!!
But it is for sure something you can never do outside of Japan, and actually quite difficult to find lessons for in Japan as well. Many other English teachers I know take other culture classes and activites, like shodo (calligraphy), ikebana (flower arrangement), and taiko (japanese drumming), but I haven't heard of anyone learning moku hanga (wood block printing) so it feels a little special as well. It's also nice to do it with a friend, because she knows some of the basic ideas behind it, so she helps me, and I help her with translation because she doesn't speak very much Japanese (though honestly I can barely understand what the teacher is saying most of the time myself, haha)
The class is really interesting! With wood block printing you sand a piece of wood, then glue the stenciled picture onto the board, after you start carving out what you need to, and add ink, press the paper onto it, and there you go! You've go a wood block print!
Okay, it's not that easy... especially the whole craving deal. My teacher makes it look soooo easy, and then I take out my little knife, start carving, and I feel like I am a 4 year old once again learning how to draw all over again. But it's fun! And I am really thinking of continuing this class for a long time, I mean the nice part is that it's only twice a month, so even though it's on a saturday, it doesn't kill my every saturday. It is a bit expensive... but I am thinking the advantage of learning is might greater than not learning.
The class is also great because it's just a bunch of old people who are 50 or older, all learning from this 80 ot 90 year old man, and then there is my friend and I, completely lost and confused but willing to try our best! It's just a relaxing and calm amosphere, after 2 hours of class, I walked away feeling so happy and calm and just glad. I look forward to feeling like that every time...
Taking the time to learn these things that I can't learn at home I think is just something really special and unique to me living here. I kinda regret not doing it sooner.... ah well, live and learn right?
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| Date: | 2009-09-01 23:50 |
| Subject: | cock-blocked! |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  disappointed |
(sorry becky, stole the term from ya!)
I am suprised just how insanely possessive Japanesse girls can be over their men. I am not even that much of a threat to them but they still act as if their man talking to me is going to ruin their relationship forever. It's quite painful trying to make friends when that happens.
Recently I became the leader of this English Conversation group and this evening I appeared on the radio to talk about it. Sure I can speak Japanese, but I knew that my Japanese skills are not nearly enough to do it on my own, so I asked that they give me a translator.
The translator turns out to be this 20 year old japanese kid who is fluent in English, French, AND German. That was pretty awesome!!
So we all met up a couple of hours before the radio show, to go over the questions, and chat a bit. As I am meeting people and talking to the translator guy, this girl shows up who is an "assistant" I say that in quotes because she did NOTHING at all... like litterly fell asleep during the radio show and never helped with anything.
Instead she focused all of her energy on trying to take this guy's attention away from me and towards her. It was quite frustrating, because here I am trying to talk to this guy, getting him to get to know me a bit so that when he acts as my translator he knows what I'm talking about and has a better feel for my speech pattern. Yet during our conversations when we are standing or walking, she would litterly walk inbetween the middle of us, and start speaking to him in French. Even though they are both Japanese, and she knows I cannot speak French, it was an obvious attempt to make him stop talking to me and focus on her. She would never say a word to me at all, she never even said hello. Maybe it was because she didn't want to speak English... but at the same time most of the conversations with the people that evening were in Japanese as well.
When we were all walking together or sitting at a table, she would get really close to him, going into his personal space, leaning in close. It was obvious from a mile away what she was trying to do. And any time he turned to me and talked to me for even a short while, she would just get this look of anger, feign that she is SO tired from teaching a class today (when I asked how many classes she taught, she said ONE class...) and then just act like a child who wasn't getting constant attention. I wanted to bitch slap her in the face.
It's like, okay I get it, you like him and you two are an item of some sort (....even though you're 28 years old and he's 20... o_O) but whatever, that's cool. But you don't need to act like a needy child just because he is talking to a foreigner who's a member of the opposite sex!
Cock-blocked!!
This is why it's so hard to make friends in Japan. Along with 1000 other reasons.
Well, what ever, it's not like I will see those people again.
At least the radio show went well!!
Plus my song of choice was "Never Gonna Give You Up!"... I totally Rickrolled Nara City!! Fuck yeah!!
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| Date: | 2009-08-04 01:44 |
| Subject: | Hello Goodbye |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  relaxed |
This week is so full of mixed emotions, it tears my heart in two.
For the past year I have gotten to know quite a few other english teachers in my area, they have become really good friends. Even though I don't see them often, I do enjoy their company and I always look forward to our meetings. This week most of those friends will be going home, start their new lives in their home countries. And now they will be replaced by a whole bunch of new people, who will live in the same apartments, teach the same jobs, but are completely different people.
This is such a bitter sweet time for me. I am so very sad to say goodbye to the people I have gotten to know in the past year, but at the same time I am so very excited to get to know these new people. I wonder who will be my friends, who will I get to know best, what kind of people they are, and what will they bring to our community.
It's like when your friends gradaute before you, you know you will keep in touch, but life will be completely different. They will go on, find jobs in the real world while you're stuck in the school world, taking exams, going to classes. It's like that... only the real world is a different country.
I have felt very thoughtful this evening... it makes me not want to sleep! Haha. But I know I need to.
I have been in need of some deep self reflection. And of course 2 am is the time when I choose it, right? but I am finding answers in life slowly, as we all are.
Today I feel relaxed... sad, happy... and many other emotions... but mostly relaxed. I don't know why really...
I also feel proud today. I helped some new english teachers get cell phones, with no help from my supervisor!! But it was a long and difficul process, and I am very happy I managed to do it, even with my poor Japanese. I feel I have leveled up in Japanese!! haha
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| Date: | 2009-07-19 13:02 |
| Subject: | Marine Day... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | relaxed |
I just spent 3 hours cleaning my apartment.... still not done. I have such a bad habit of not cleaning like I should, so when I finally do it take sooo long.
July 20th (tomorrow) is Marine Day (海の日) plus I am taking 2 extra days off, tuesday and wednesday.
With no plans at all.
Summer vacation has finally begun for schools in Japan, which means I get a much needed rest from teaching students for a month. Instead? I teach seminars with my supervisor teaching elementary school teachers how to teach English at the elementary school level.
I decided to take some time off for the summer, during obon (very busy holiday season in Japan), but I have no plans at all as of what to do for that time. I just wanted a vacation.
Tomorrow I think I will get up early and finally go see Himeji Castle one of the best castles in Japan. It has never been burned down from any of the wars, and apparently it is huuuuge! But for some reason I never wanted to go and see it.
Tuesday and Wednesday I have not made any plans yet. Tuesday I might meet up with a friend... and Wednesday I am thinking of taking another day trip... though to where I am not quite sure. Ninja museum? That might be petty cool... or maybe I will just relax at spa world, I can't beat $10 for the most amazing spa ever...
Who knows.
I am just happy to have some free time.
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I've been coughing for a week, have a runny nose and have a head ache.... but I dont feel sick at all.
I hate to admit it, but I might have a sinus infection once again. Ugh. I hate this so much, I would rather have a really bad cold for 3 days and not be able to leave my bed, and then feel amazing after... instead of coughing and having a horrible headache for weeks waiting for the medicine to kick in... Well if I still feel like this by next week, I'll go to the doctor again...
Stupid Japan.
I am really hoping my next year here will involve less... illness. Thank goodness I have health insurance.... one thing I am going to need when I go home,
Well, today was a lovely day outside. Nice and warm, feeling like summer. I should have taken pictures on the long bus ride I was on, there was some beautiful scenery!!
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Rainy season has finally begun in Japan. This is the part about living here I dread most. I hate all the cloudy days, always neededing an umbrella on me at all times, have mold grow everywhere!! Plus the heat. Of all things I hate, I hate the humid heat the most.
Granted I love Japan, but I hate the rainy season, and all the horrible hot days.
Last week I was so wonderfully motivated, I was writing, I was planning things, I even wanted to study.
Now, the JLPT looms closer to my future, 3 weeks away, and I can't seem to force myself to open any text books. I know this is something I need to pass, but I feel that its impossiable, so I dont want to try. Ugggh!! If I had signed up for the lower level, it would have been too easy, so I wouldnt have wanted to try.
What a pain.
At least it hasnt rained much... yet. I am still waiting for the big storms to start. >_<
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This evening as the sun was setting there were a few storm clouds in the sky. It started to rain very lightly, but was still quite sunny. The result was one of the most vivid rainbows I have seen in years. It was quite small, but I could see every single color clearly.
It was lovely, and I took it as a sign for good things to come.
I felt like it was created in this world especially for me. Just on a whim, for no real reason I decided to leave the coffee shop I was in at that exact moment. I wasn't done working on what I had, I didn't even finish my drink. But I wanted to leave. As I was walking out of the building I saw the sky and thought "I know there is a rainbow out there!" and I felt so happy to see it. A bright display of colors breaking though gray stormy clouds. As I stood in the middle of the park with a perfect view, I was the only person who noticed it's existence.
Things have been difficult these past few days, but they will be better now. No matter how things go, I know they will be good.
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| Date: | 2009-05-27 22:09 |
| Subject: | me = 23 |
| Security: | Public |
It's my birthday today!
This weekend I have things planned... so that will be nice. But... today was not a very exciting day. Got into a fight with my boyfriend... so he didn't wish me a happy birthday... and..... I dunno if we are still together... it was quite a lonely day.
I got lots of birthday wishes, that made me happy. I spent my evening just writting a little in starbucks, and had their lemon cake thing as my birthday cake...
It's my first birthday alone, out of the country, and with no friends and family to spend it with... it's odd, and quite lonely... and well.. it takes away from the specialness you get from the day.
Oh well... at least when I'm teaching, I don't feel sad. I get so into my work, and love working with the kids, it makes the rest of it a bit better.
But yay! I am older!!
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| Date: | 2009-04-24 18:44 |
| Subject: | Golden Week |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  excited |
I am so looking forward to Golden Week! I have made plans to visit Becky for a few days and we will go to Tokyo!! It will be my first time actually getting to visit Tokyo and I am extremely excited. When I was there last time, it was for 3 days, but I was jet lagged and didn't leave the square area of the hotel from pure exhaustion. A part of me thinks I really should have just skipped the whole deal and went sight seeing for those 3 days.... they never once took attendance and none of the information was important enough to remember. Oh well, at least I get to see it now!
So I will be taking the bullet train on the way there and a night bus back. It's going to be tiring, and I need to make sure to remember earplugs, a pillow, and eye mask. I just hope this time no one bangs my chair all night like when I went to Hiroshima... grrrr
Anyways, I am really excited about going to Tokyo and traveling somewhere for Golden Week. Everyone has these holidays off in Japan, so it is super crowded, and really difficult to make reservations, but it will be lots of fun.
I am so glad to be traveling around Japan. It makes me feel like there is a point to living here. Being able to go to Hiroshima, and now Tokyo... reading the words and writing it all down feels so strange, but actually doing the things all feels so natural. It's quite odd, sitting here sometimes I forget that I am in Japan, that I am doing amazing things and getting to speak Japanese every day. Then there are some days I am sitting on the train and I just think "Wow... I am going to Osaka!!" or "I am going to Kyoto to see temples!!"
It fills me with warm fuzzies and helps me get through a really shitty day at work.
Yesterday I had 2 classes of horriable students who would just yell and scream and then complain constantly if a game wasn't fun. Mind you, these are 9th graders, about 15 years old... I expected that kind of behavior from elementary school students. I think that the best part about my job is I don't go to the same school often, so I wont be seeing those kids for a very.... very long time. If at all.
But all is well with the world. I go to an amazing school on monday (even though it's a 90min bus ride...) and after that I go to visit the amazing face of Becky!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!
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| Date: | 2009-04-14 17:15 |
| Subject: | Chocolate |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  lazy |
I am sad and Cadbury Egg-less. I miss thing amazingness of easter candy...
And there is a thunder storm outside so I don't want to leave my apartment to buy Japanese candy... blaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Tomorrow I will finally get to teach a class for the first time in 3 weeks.
Now to watch more Battlestar Galactica. Already on season 2.
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Spring is in the air, the wonderful cherry blossoms have bloomed and passed. I have had many wonderful adventures these past couple of weeks. I went to Hiroshima, saw the a-bomb dome, the peace museum, and Miyajima with the famous red gate in the water. After that I was lazy for a while, I visited a few places in Kyoto and Osaka, but I mostly let myself rest. I had no work to do because it was spring break, so it was a nice time to just enjoy the nice world of Japan and relax. After that my cousin visited for a week, every day we did tons of crazy things, all you can eat cake on Sunday and Osaka castle, cherry blossom viewing in Kyoto in various places on Monday, wandered around Nara on Tuesday, more Kyoto on Wednesday, and Thursday we did lots of shopping.
I am now in love with the mini computers, and I am more and more tempted to buy one every time I see this one http://www.shopping.hp.com/series/category/notebooks/mini1000vt_series/3/computer_store?jumpid=in_r329_personalization/browse2/home_SDP it's beautiful, and just lovely. I am addicted to it, and I think... I may just have to save up and buy the damn thing. It's about $150 cheaper here in Japan. Trade off is that the OS is in Japanese and I have to function with a Japanese keyboard. The advantages are it's cheaper, it's lighter and smaller than my current computer, so I would actually bring it with me to work and I could have a work computer. But... it's still $600 for a computer... when I have a perfectly good and expensive funcitioning one right now. But it would be nice to have something to use at work since I don't get a computer... and I dont like taking my laptop with me incase it may break. Any opinions?
I am thinking I may wait until the end of this month if I do buy it. But who knows...
Now for some pictures of Sakura!!
I love how these are not fully bloomed yet.
( Let me tell you a story of sakura... )
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Well... that was disappointing. What a cheap cop-out. There are better and more creative ways to do that. Hell, even the medical side was boring!
I felt like it was the writer's strike again and they had taken a poorly written fan fic from a 14 year old to replace their script.
Next week better be better, or I will cry.
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Interestingly enough, I am actually in the (very slow) process of reading this book. I am 2/3 of the way through, and it really has become one of my favorites so far. The most thought provoking, and challenging.
That being said, it saddens me that people can't even grasp a book's message properly. Well, it is a 1000 page book, small print, and has concepts that their tiny minds can't really understand.
The message of the book isn't if all the rich CEO's and big money millionares running away from a horriable economy to some private island (though I really haven't gotten to the island part yet...), the book is about the geniuses, the true creators and leading thinking of this world giving up and no longer wanting the "looters" and the "moochers" to take over everything they have created.
The leaders in the book the disapear they are the ones who know how to make the country work, they are the ones who worked for years using their intelligence and their effort into making an industry that works. They don't respect the little guy who does nothing but expects to be given everything because they want people to work just as hard as they did. Their efforts are for their own gain, their own success. As is the truth with everyone else in this world who strives for greatness, the only difference is that these characters in this book are not afriad to admit it. The "looters," they don't really care about "need" about "helping people" these are just the topics they preech so that they don't feel guilty about their greed and their stolen power. So they don't feel guilty about their currpt actions of trading favors and breaking the law freely.
The most effective quote I read so far was said by my favorite character Fransisco d'Anconia, "Let me give you a tip on a clue to men's characters: the man who damns money has obtained it dishonorably; the man who respects it has earned it." (p383)
These conserivitives who are claiming to be the leading intellectuals are the same ones who are the "looters" and "moochers" of society. The people who were poor, working hard, and getting screwed over by the faulty social were never once called a "looter" or a "moocher" in Ayn Rand's book. They are the victims and she makes that very clear. When a bad policy goes into effect made by the people trying to "do the world good" it harms many, causing them to lose jobs, lose businesses, strave, and sometimes die.
The leaders in this book leave because they are fed up with a faulty system, they are sick of seeing the world around them get destroyed by a bunch of people who are afriad of making real decisions, who think the virtue of business is giving everything away. These leaders no longers want to see the world they worked so hard to create be demolsihed by someone else, so they take it away first. They let the world see what it is they never really valued.
So who are the real "looters" in our society? Can you really say that Obama is a "looter" the one who is working so hard to rebuild and develop a nation that's standing on it's last leg? Or are the looters the followers of the Bush administration? Where within the past 8 years we have lost more than I even want to think about. Where there has been chaos after chaos, all blamed on other people.
Hell, Obama hasn't even been in office for 100 days yet, and people are already beginning to falsely quote a great masterpeice in literuature. At least give him a chance to have his policies go into effect first!
Going Galt? Fine, be my guest. Once you disapear from our existance maybe we can prove just how little you were needed in this society. The true leaders and forward thinkers in this society haven't given up yet, and when they do, that's when I know it's time for me to give up as well.
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| Date: | 2009-02-25 18:08 |
| Subject: | Ow... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sore |
So...very...sore.
Today I got off of work early, since we've been working late a lot my boss let us just go home for the afternoon. So I decided to walk to the sports store from city hall (about a 30 minute walk) and I bought a skateboard!!
...I also bought some much needed protection for my clumsy body. A helmet, wrist guard, and knee and elbow pads. The nice part is it really helped when I fell, there was little to no pain, and it made me more motivated to try my best and get back on.
As soon as I walked to Heijo Palace site (another 20 minutes) I practiced falling on my ass for over an hour. I would say practiced skatebording, but more time was spent falling down than actually riding. I've never rode a skateboard before, and so it was a sad sad attempt at trying to figure out how exactly to ride the damn thing. By the end of the afternoon I felt accomplished that I could ride for 2 or 3 feet without falling.
My next goal is 10 feet!!
After I attempted at riding a skateboard I decided it would be quicker to walk straight home than to walk to the station, and it would have been if I didn't have all my teaching materials, a sakeboard and pads, and a coat to carry home. (Like hell I'd be able to ride the damn thing home!) From Heijo palace site it took me 45 minutes to get home... Now my body is so sore, and I'm not sure if it's from falling down a ton or from walking more than I want to think about. most likely both.
It has been a fun day, and I really feel like I accomplished something. Now time to be lazy for the rest of the evening.
Now, I am sore
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So this school I'm going to this week, I've been there a couple of times, but both times the teacher was nice enouch to pick me up at the station and drive me to the school. Well that's all great and all, but I now have no clue how to get there on my own, and no one seems able to tell me.
Ugh.
This is probably one of the biggest problems of going to 30 different schools, I never know where the hell the school is when I try to go. So today, I asked my supervisor by mail, hoe do I get to this one school. Because I don't know. She responds with "Ask Seiji (the other ALT) he went there before" So I go to him, and turns out he went to that school back in November! He doesn't remember how to get to that school at all. Blah. So my supervisor give me a bus stop, but says "I don't know how to get there from the stop."
So I turn to my friend, google. And... when looking at the google map, I realize that this school, is actually much easier to get to... and closer, to another station! It will be a much longer walk (about 30 to 40 minutes) but it is seriously, go straight, take a right, look for school. Instead of, take a bus, go winding around the subdivision until I find a student, then find school. This time... I'll trust google.
Other rant.
My ipod hates me. I likes to give me physical pain. I do not lie. For some reason lately it has been the attack to the static. My original head phones started to get all static-y and such and were a bit annoying. So I figured it was time to get new head phones. but every new pair of head phones I bought it was actually worse. Like I was get the static shocks in my ear while listening. It's... a real pain. So a part of my thinks it might be the whole winter deal, wearing my giant coat and all of that. But I am still frustrated.
All I want is a new pair of the original head phones!! But... apple doesn't sell them. Apparently, you can only get the head phones when you have a problem with the originals through apple care... and then they have to ship them to me and crap...
It makes me hate Steve Jobbs even more. With his sneaky ways of always stealing my moneys. It's my moneys dammit! Get away you fool!
I. just. want. good. headphones.
Last rant.
007 was not worth the insane amount of money I paid for it.
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Mentally I feel like I am in a giant pile of mud, one of those giant, stinky pools that every time to take a step your shoes just suction to the bottom. You can feel the spungey feeling under your feet and you wonder how you are not sinking into an abyss. Every step you try to make to move further makes it more difficult than the last, then you look back, feeling like you must have walked miles, but it was only 10 feet. Then span in front is so vast and daunting, it seems like it might be just more worth the effort to turn around, go back to the beginning and pretend that you never started.
That's what my brain feels like right now. There are things I need to get done, and things I want to get done, but just to conjure up the motivation to begin is more difficult than it ever has been. I am beginning to doubt my own strength, can I really tread through those miles of mud, push through it all just for something I don't even know will be at the end of it all? I came at it with a running start, a start that we so strong, so full of energy, so full of life. But that life and energy got drained out of me quickly, I enjoyed the journey, I really did, it was like playing in a mud pile like a child. You don't realize how big of a mess you are making until you go home and your mom yells at you for ruining your good new pants.
Then you get grounded. You stay away from the mud, you grow older, you buy your own clothes. Then you remember what playing in the mud was like, how it was a blissful experience, you were in your own special world that no one could take away. You walk into the mud again, tempted by that same feeling, the feeling to be so absorbed in the world, to be a part of the earth. So you go into your closet, get your rain boots on, your rubber pants, the umbrella, raincoat, and every form of protection your can think of to keep your as dry and clean as you can when you get out.
And that's where I am at, I am trying to protect myself from getting wet and dirty. I need to take off these boots and all the extra weight, and let my toes just sink right into the mud, let my whole self get absorbed.
Because when you are writing, you can't be afraid of the mess, you can't be afraid of the dirt.
It's time to go back into the mud, to work in the mess instead of fighting against it.
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Happy New Year!
I was able to do a lot of fun things. I went to Todaiji temple at midnight. It was insane. There were so many people, and there were shops everywhere. It was like a festival. There must have been thousands of people all lined up to see the temple at midnight. It's really interesting, I've never had a New Years like it before and I am really glad I was able to do the Japanese thing and go to a temple at midnight on New Years. How many times can you get the chance to do that in life?
These past two weeks were amazingly fun, and now I am all lonely and bored as Peter is flying on his plane back home. It was so nice to be able to have someone around, to show them the places I love, to speak English with. It makes me sad that time has to go by so quickly. Oh well.
I also have finally kinda gotten into playing Guild Wars... after over a year of owning the game. Biggest problem about mmorpgs? The mmo part. I hate people. I hate doing anything that has to do with people. I just want to sit and play my games by myself like the anti social hermit I am... At least guild wars allows me to be anti social.
Let's see... that's all for now. I think I will be awesome and go read a book. Big sales tomorrow... I wonder if I will go out and spend money or not.
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lethalinjustice's journal
optimistic
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bitchy
dirty